I. LEARNING TO UNSEE
I learned to unsee you until the thought of seeing you terrified me
Because seeing you meant others, seeing me, terrified
And I didn’t want to scare, so the more I unsaw of you the more worthy I became
Until the pain of hiding you until my body ached felt safer, more righteous
than the pain I might risk if I dared to look at you
Until I learned to feign desire, feign contentment, feign peace
I tricked myself into believing I was seeing all there was to see of me
Maybe it was others who taught me to unsee you,
but it was still me who chose every day that you weren’t there.
Even though I know that you are here
you are a fragment of a strange light
growing brighter and brighter in the back of my head
But I fear that if I look at you for more than an instant
I will destroy this world I have built
Stand alone, hearing only the sound of my breath
But something here needs to be destroyed,
something needs to be rewritten, reshaped, reformed, remade, and remembered
So why can’t I see you? Why do I insist on not seeing you?
II. CHANTING BLESSINGS
I’m afraid to sing again
Every time I try my mouth closes shut
Are my melodies worth singing
If they just refuse to be sung?
I used to sing without asking
I used to sing love songs to secret gods
I sang with desire
I sang with the force of the earth
But they told me that I sang too loud
They told me that I frightened with my sinful songs
So I tried to sing more gently
But I lost my voice
Now even though I’m petrified
I’m breaking this curse:
I’m earning to sing again
I am chanting blessings as my mouth unthaws
I am chanting blessings as my mouth unthaws
I am chanting blessings as my mouth unthaws
I’m recalling my love songs, my strength, and my desire
I am chanting blessings as my mouth unthaws
I’m learning to sing again
So if you tell me to sing more gently
Know that I’ll come back even louder than before
With this music locked inside of me
I want to sing louder and louder than ever before
I am chanting blessings as my mouth unthaws
I’m recalling my love songs, my strength, and my desire
I am chanting blessings as my mouth unthaws
I’m learning to sing again
III. WILD PINK
Black leather, calm midnight sea
Pink velvet, sweet poison peony
Wild in leather, pretty in pink
I am always free
Unshaved skin, warm gravel shores
Smooth long hair, soft rain that pours
No matter what they may see
I am always free
Bare eyelids, ocean-smoothed stones
Red-dyed lips, burning half-suns
Pretty in leather, wild in pink
I am always free
Thick sweater, like a forest canopy
Tight mini dress, like a tightly woven cocoon
Thin tattoo, like a fossilized spider
I’m always free, I’m always free
IV. GO WHERE THE ROAD ENDS
Go where the road ends
When the sun has set
And the twilight’s bright
Take nothing with you
Let your eyes ignite
Go where the road ends
To that abandoned wall
Smothered in vines
You said you’d come back soon
But you haven’t found the time
Go where the road ends
Though it may look as if
The wall is blocked
Put your hands upon the vines
And feel the words they spell
Go where the road ends
The vines will say
That this is not the end
That the road keeps going,
And going, and going, and going
Behind the vines there is an opening
Behind your eyes there is a light
Open the wall you’ve illuminated
Reach into it and enter the night
Go where the road ends
Go as deep was you can go
’Til I don’t hear you anymore
’Til I don’t hear you anymore
V. FOREST DEEP
Forest deep
When I was a child I thought I heard you say my name
With my ear against your roots I would hear you speak,
You speak, you speak, you speak, you speak—of me?
Forest deep
When I was a child there were times I became you
When I closed my eyes my limbs would turn to branches
And out of those branches, those branches, those branches,
grew, grew, grew—grew me?
Forest deep
When I was a child I thought you needed me
Your rain would come and I would see myself melting into
Some blue spirit trickling down to your floor
And nurturing your roots, your roots, your roots, your roots—for me?
Forest deep
When I was a child I saw no danger in you
I would venture deeper and deeper and deeper and when
When I became lost I always came back, back, back, back—to me?
What was you said to me?
I return to you, I close my eyes
Lose myself just to find you again
But I hear too much, I hear nothing at all